One of the biggest questions we as people face is what and who we are responsible for, and what expectations are placed on us by society in terms of how we treat people; specifically those close to us. For instance, we are expected to assist a friend during their times of need be that talking to them/giving advice, spending time with them, and overall just making them feel better. The reason we do this is because we have a moral obligation to do so because we "signed up" to be there for each other. There is a level of closeness between friends and loved ones that is built up during the good times of the relationship, and strengthened when there is hardship. If we choose to spend time with somebody and choose to do fun things with them and be happy with them, we are expected to be with them during their time of need. And for the most part we want to, all because we want to. Nothing is done out of necessity but out of choice. In Diane Jeske's essay "Families, Friends, and Special Obligations," she talks about this and states that we have these special obligations "through voluntary action." The thesis that this is based is called Voluntarism. So at the base of all of this voluntary action that we do for people is intimacy and closeness that we as humans need with other people.
One example of this is seen in the movie Harry Meets Sally. Harry and Sally are two people who were close to each other but were never more than friends until the latter parts of the movie. Although they were not in a committed relationship with each other does not mean they were not close. Now the scene where it all changes is when Sally calls Harry crying, and Harry goes to her place to comfort her. He does a little more than that and they end up sleeping with each other. Things get dicey for them for a bit, but in the end they end up being happy and getting married. There situation is a perfect example of intimacy being a driving factor in many of the decisions we make. Harry did not have to go over there, he could have stayed where he was. But because he was obligated to with them being good friends, and the fact he wanted to be closer to her, he went over there which in turn got the ball rolling for the events to occur after.
Being close to someone also has its risks as well. You basically have to open yourself up to somebody and not all relationships work out. When Harry's wife left him for another man he was torn up by this and affected by throughout the movie. It changed the way he looked at the world. But all the times that things do not work out pale in comparisons to the times when it does.
In her article Jeske states that one thing our relationships we have with people all stem from intimacy. We want to be close to people and have relationships with them. These relationships derive responsibilities to the people we are in them with, but that is okay because we choose to have these obligations. So at the core intimacy with other people, and the want of it, play a big role in the decisions we make.
Can't help it, but the very last sentence of your post is what really drove the point home for me. I think it's absolutely correct - intimacy is a big part in the decisions we make. I think, in this case with Harry and Sally, it's the same intimacy that finally drove them together. They ultimately decided to rise about their friendship status and finally enter into bigger obligations together. They grew close, having the pure intimacy together and that huge connection, before finally realizing that's what they had been missing their whole life. You can be intimate with many people - family, friends, etc - but in the end, there's only one type of intimacy that will hit you the hardest. For them, it was for each other. I also can't help but think that same intimacy can drive people off. For example, those scared of commitment. But like you stated, it's the intimacy that placed that choice. Thanks for hitting that point home! I felt like it was the leading cause behind a lot, but couldn't quite name it. You certainly helped me out with my own interpretations of Jeske and the movie I watched!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that is important that our obligations in a relationship are ultimately voluntary. It is only when Harry and Sally choose on there own to be around them that their actual friendship begins to blossom. Before hand they had gotten to know each other very well but only in forced situations, stuck in a car or on a plane together. They come to rely on each other and are willing to go out of their way to make each other happy. They only become so special in each others lives because they wanted. I feel like Jeske ultimately shows that voluntary bonds are so much stronger and hold greater importance then anything else linking people to one another. Even family bonds with the extreme level of familiarity and intimacy with each other's lives that it has can only force obligation so far with out it being voluntary.
ReplyDeleteReally good post Ben. I've never seen the movie, but it sounds like Harry and Sally were committed to their mutual project (building their friendship) as Jeske would say. In turn, this relationship became more intimate, and they eventually decided to become vowed to one another in marriage. It seems like you said, that it was the intimacy between them that drove their relationship to deeper levels. But (from what it seems like) this intimacy would not have developed the way it did, unless they were committed to developing their friendships.
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